Well I am back in sunny, beautiful France and I can't say that I'm not over the moon about it! Edinburgh was exhausting in every single way possible. I never could have forseen how much such an experience would take out of me. For weeks I hardly ate or slept and in some very personal ways I encountered demons I thought I had laid to rest. I tested myself and in some ways I failed but in many more ways I surpassed every goal I had set. My piece shocked people and apparently encouraged many to do whatever possible to help change points of view with regards to victim blaming, I reached out to some women who had not fully understood the impact rape had had on their lives and who now intend to seek help but most importantly from a selfish point of view I have reached the point where I no longer want to punish myself! The latter I don't think I could have achieved without standing on stage and pouring out my deepest secrets. I never even intended on doing so but having nearly collapsed on the Tuesday and messed up the performance so that many hadn't even understood the very simple story line and then forgetting key parts of the set (four years as an events manager I never forgot anything - but having fried my brain with rape for nearly eight months non stop I guess it's not really surprising) I was left with little choice but to stand up in front of the forty or so people in the audience and explain myself!
Not only was my story well received but the questions I answered at the end were incredibly insightful and also enormously helpful. One gentleman asked me
'When do you think you will be able to stop punishing yourself? What will it take?'
I replied that I had hoped that once I had completed the Deserving project and given everything I could during eight performances that I would find peace and no longer need to punish myself as raping myself everyday for over eight days would surely be enough. I thought about this comment, his question and my response for most of the night and the next day, I decided, would be my last performance and I would again talk my way through the project as I could not even bear to put the costume back on!!!
So thank you dear, unknown audience member! Thank you also to everyone who supported me and finally to myself for putting myself through this crazy journey and for, just, managing to come out the otherside unscathed.
I now entirely understand why so few women are willing to relive their biggest nightmare and I join them!
