Please let me start by apologising both for
my absurd initial email and also for the length of time it has taken me
to reply to you properly.
In reality your
email already accepts the responsibility I was referring to. I do not
expect you to take responsibility for me leaving but I needed to hear
that you understand that I would have been less likely to leave had our
relationship been more open and honest (or as you put it 'not perfect'
you are not me so will never understand my side of how 'not perfect' it
was!). I do very strongly believe that our drug problems detrimentally
affected our ability to acknowledge and repair both our individual
problems and those we created together. My hope is that we will learn
from this mistake and do everything we can to help our misgivings in the
past make us better people in the present.
I had always hoped/believed that I could help you be
more emotionally connected when in reality I should have been able to
simply accept you as you were/are. Being in a relationship with you
allowed me not to have to connect with my own emotions and in fact
probably exacerbated your lack of empathy.
You are 100% right in saying that we must move on. I
thank you for the years you helped to keep me safe and the years that
you loved me. I thank you also for fucking up by not being honest with
your birth mother and for not giving me the sexual satisfaction I
deserved as this allowed/forced me to understand other parts of me and
in the end to seek the professional help that I badly needed. If I had
never met you I would never have met Claire and if I had never met Claire I
would never have properly known me.
I do not take any extra responsibility for our
relationship failing either. A sequence of events occured and I was
incapable to doing otherwise. Of course I am sorry for the pain I caused
but I focus more on the wonderful things that have come from that
decision and believe very strongly that had I not left we would continue
to be two people existing together instead of what we now are - two
people living life to the max with our beloved partners.
I would like a divorce because I would like to
finally close the door on that part of my life. I think that we owe that
to each other and in fact that financially you owe it to me to sort
this out - but, of course, I am not holding my breath!
With love and best wishes
Emma
