Me: Why did you rape?
Him: That's a really hard question. It's a question I don't really ask
myself. I've got my explanation, but....
Me: No, but I think you've got to give your explanation.
Him: Well, I think all sorts of stuff comes into it. The first thing is, given that it was something that was harassing me psychologically, that's to say, it was keeping me awake every night; well, I'd fall asleep and wake up at 2am, like, it was my conscience that woke me up; I found myself thinking of these women, and then it would become painful for me, it was incessant, in my head, and then I couldn't get back to sleep. You try to think about it, but there's no answer. I can talk about it a bit now, but then, I just couldn't, you see? As there's no answer, you can't get your head around it. You get no reply, so you have to stop, but you can't stop, you can't stop wondering. Because it's always there, always there, always there, all the time. And the mechanism is such that, I would say to myself, you've got to go ahead and do it, to get it out of your head. In the end it was that, it was always that. It was to free my mind; it was pathetic/I was completely wrong in that, (complètement caduc), it did free me in that I passed on to a different context, that is, guilt; it made me unhappy, so I was in some other sphere; you tell yourself that you are bad through and through, but it's true that I raped in order to free my mind, I mean, I had the impression that it would.
After, when I'd done it, it's obvious that... er ... often
the satisfaction lay in the preparation; so it made me .... er.... well ... I was in a position of dominance; I dominated everything: time, ways into houses, all the
preparation, it's true that I always
asked myself: “why are you doing this? OK, sure, it's making you feel good, but why
are you doing it?” And, effectively, it
was to assault a woman. Now, to go as
far as rape, frankly I don't have a clue;
as I grew up, once I'd made love with women, when I went out with women
and got to know them, I think that the aim was that. The aim was to go and make love to a
woman. I say, to make love, but I mean
rape, actually. But, er, what was I
about to say? (Long pause.) It was complicated, that's for sure.
Was it about power, control, sex?...
Me: So, you were saying
why you did it; you mentioned dominance;
was it to dominate, or for power, (or just for the sex)?
Him: It was to take
what was not given to me, I think. To
take that love, too, that wasn't given to me.
There was that too.
Me: But it was never
for the sex?
Him: No, the rape was because, ultimately, since I was a little kid, I had that desire, to touch a woman's breasts, and each time, I would masturbate. So that formed part of the mechanism. Each time that I thought about it, that it took over my mind at night, either I went out and... I didn't do it systematically, but the end result was masturbation – ejaculation. And the pressure dropped. So I could move on. Ultimately, the whole point was that. Luckily, for a lot of women, it stopped there; I got to the foot of their bed, and I just masturbated; with others, no. There were so so so many times. But the point was to masturbate, to ejaculate, to evacuate. That's what it boiled down to. Like for all men.
Me: You have done an
enormous amount of harm to the women you have raped and assaulted what do you
feel with regards to that?
Him: What I feel is
that it's a waste, I feel... it's complicated; it's complicated too. I'm unhappy, of course it makes me
unhappy. But then, I don't want to dwell
on it. I just can't. I can't take pity on them
Because if I do, I
can't go forward. I can't ...yes, I've
got to try to ... I know perfectly well what I've done, what I've committed, I
hope they find a way out, I hope that they fight it and beat it. But I can't go on and on thinking about
it. Otherwise I can't continue. I wouldn't go forward, otherwise. So, whether that pleases people or not,
then well, either they accept, and accept to release us prisoners, or they cut
off our heads, which doesn't bother me;
they can cut my head off and that's the end of it. But if they don't cut it off, then we have to
believe that we can start afresh, because if it's to harass us... We're still
human beings, you know. We can start
over with the.... I feel hatred against myself, me I've enormous amounts of
hatred against myself inside, that's for sure.
Me: What are your relationships with women like now?
Him: The same as I had before. I always have a very good relationship with women.
Him: It the same, except... it's the same
Me: Except that, what, you're more honest?
Him: I'm more honest because I say where I've been, and I tell them what I've done. So my relationship with women, when it's false, is very difficult. As for me, my approach is still the same, but after it's really hard. Obviously, it's really hard. To tell things as they are, (d'annoncer la couleur),
Me: So you can no longer hide?
Him: It's happened, at times, that...(long pause – he says he has forgotten what he wanted to say)
So you have deeper
relationships now, then?
Me: You said back there that you were trying to find a
certain type of woman?
Him: That's part of it.
Women from a socially privileged background. Deep down, it was that?
Me: Why?
Him: Well, I interpreted it like that. I've spoken about it to my psychologist. Discussing this with psychotherapists, the
real reason is that my mum always spoke about money, work, success, rather than
speaking about love. We had to work all
the time. Since I was a little kid,
since the age of seven, at home I worked;
the minute I got home from school, I had to work: I had to feed the animals, or go and fetch
such and such, in short, there was a bit of revenge in my behaviour, I was
transposing something onto these women who had that class status; I don't think about it, but that's it: they have class but they don't look after
their kids – it's completely wrong, I know that now; it's deep-rooted; I didn't realize it at the time; but it was there, I felt it, that's for
sure.
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